Deepawali trip home

This thought indeed striked me, as I reached the anjaneyar temple on the way to majestic. Oh my God! Why majestic? Why didn’t I take the chance of boarding at cantonment? Why was the ticket available only from Maddur and not from Bangalore? Why only one train to trichy from Bangalore? Why so few compartments? Why did I get a waiting list 60 days earlier within 30 minutes of booking ticket? Why did I drink coffee n waste time sending parcel at the last minute? Why did I forget my air pillow and go back to get it? Why did I not want to board the first auto because he didn’t wait near the Citibank atm n moved further down n waited? Why this traffic jam? and why did I miss the Monday evening train by 11 minutes?

I remembered seeing the train starts at 7:20 pm from majestic.It used to be 8:20 when I first boarded it last year. And now I find, it is 7:05 from Majestic and 7:20 from cantonment. I reached Majestic after all prayers at 7:16. So I had missed it by 11 minutes. I had started at 5:50 instead of my planned 5:30 to board my whatIhadthoughtAs 7:20 train. I thought I would make it just in time. As I reached that anjaneyar temple, I thought, if I missed the train, I will go back and sit in the room and write my exam on Sunday without tension. So what if I had to spend deepawali alone.

When I reached the station, I thought I had 4 more minutes. I was surprised though, that they had not displayed mysore mayiladuthurai express timings in any of those cctvs. I was agonized when the vehicle guy said, I would have to take the stairs, since the train was blocking the path that the vehicle was supposed to take. The train, the ttr and so many station masters said would be coming in platform 6. No one told me then that the train had already left. I reached panting and puffing at platform 6 and I was surprised, it didn’t look bustling. I vividly remember my earlier sights in the platforms. How true, you get to see the unexpected inside the station, waiting for the trains, almost always. There has hardly been an exception to this. I asked the Nescafe guy, he said, it had left just now, I could not believe my ears, I asked another vendor, he too said the same thing. My throat started hurting. I was so angry, so shocked...so...

Well, I was so happy with myself for the wonderful way the things were going. I called up R and Cheenu asking them to cancel my eticket. Their reply was that they could not cancel tickets since the chart was already prepared. Train would have reached cantonment as well, by the time I had reached platform 6. So going to cantonment and boarding the train was impossible unless, I aparated as in Harry Potter.

I had two options now, to go house and spend deepawali alone. Or travel by bus overnight to trichy. I remembered how I had felt on spending Ayudha pooja hols alone. I decided, comewhatmay, am going to go home. With great difficulty I had convinced my PM on getting almost a week off for deepawali hols. And I didn’t want to go back to office on Tuesday.

I went to majestic SETC booking counter, the guys there said…they would not give me 2 tickets to stretch my leg. He said, he would give the front seat ticket. I decided, this time, I would not look at the road and I would not get paranoid…imagining accidents. I got my ticket, and walked up the place where I boarded the bus to vellore earlier in feb march. I sat on the cement bench. I could see only Chennai, pondy n mahabalipuram buses. There were no south bound buses. I tried to solve my last exam paper. But could not concentrate. I tried bugging cheenu to check if he could not indeed cancel the etickets. I bugged mom, saying, I am not going to go home. She said, okay stay there and then I told her, I had booked and am going to come home.

The bus was at 10:30 pm. I had been accustomed to sleep at 9-10 and wake up early these days. I waited in that area till 9:30 and decided to explore the south bound buses area. I would have asked and confirmed my route with some 6 people before I reached the actual stinking mosquito filled place at 10:15. Just then 9:45 trichy bus left. That also had the same route number and next to me was a guy rather a group who were lamenting that their 8:30 bus bound to Thanjavur had not come yet even after almost 2 hours. We were all chatting on how each of us had wonderful experiences coming and going from Bangalore with these buses. That guy on my left looked like my nov 1, EP pm senthil and the guy on my right was nondescript person.

At around 10:45, after checking with the inspector/time keeper, Trichy bus came. I boarded it and collapsed on my seat. All the guys entered and the conductor diplomatically managed to extract more than the actual fare and keep the balance with himself. He justified saying, if kpn walla asks extra bucks, you would give without complaint, but I cannot ask for extra amount. And while guys who had not reserved tickets came to book available tickets, the conductor clearly said you should not harp about balance. So guys ended up spending 300 or even 500 for 235 ticket.

The ladies with kids and hus-wife pairs got to sit behind the driver seat. In the place where the second driver is supposed to take rest, the driver said no luggages should be placed near him and the guy whose luggage was moved to my place said, he had no issues if I placed my legs on his luggage. I was glad, I had all the prop and just when I had settled, the conductor asked me to move behind, since I might have to sit with a guy next to me while traveling. I said, it is not a problem if it is a guy next to me, but I will not budge. Then he made another lady who was sitting in the third row to come and sit with me. That thayir sadham was apparently going to meet her mom who was in her deathbed. I got to listen to all her story, on how she was traveling just for a day before deepawali, since she had to be back for deepwali in Bangalore, on how her sick mom was just asking for her alone and no one else as she lay waiting for death, on how much she had to do, on how her mom could drink only water, that too after someone stroked her chest to make her sip water, on howSoManyThings yaar.

So I slumped on the seat, closing my eyes, opening once in a while. Think atlast I must have slept. Around 4 am, they put Shivaji, I could not bring myself to watch shivaji this early in the morning. I lay closing my eyes, unable to turn n see the tv, since the maami next to me had her lips parted as she was asleep and it was stinking as with every one’s early morning unbrushed mouth. Somehow she turned the other side and I watched shivaji from that time, when everything that Shivaji started had ruined.

And then till we reached chathram I had seen the starting of Unnale Unnale as well… the driver had been calling the substitute for quite some time. When the substitute was watching Shivaji, once Shivaji got over… the substitute driver opened the door, banged the door shut and chided the driving driver saying, "enna ya…konjam neram padam parka vida mattiya, athukulla unnaku enaa." I listened only that much, till the door was closed.

Since I had the prop, my legs were not swollen…and in chatram I found oft bus waiting and I sat next to a paati. I had worn sky blue kurta and black pants and had tied my hair in a bun. That paati asked me if I was returning from college and then she corrected herself asking, if I was a nurse and if I was returning from hospital. I didn’t want to speak without brushing my teeth and said yes. She asked which hospital. American was the first that came to my lips and I said American hospital. Then she asked what was the elbow crutch for. I said for walking and she uttered some gods name. From chatram to subramaniapuram where she alighted, she was praying at every structure that remotely resembled a temple.

I reached home at 9 am and found mom had gone to office. On the way, I had to samalchify all my ever nosePoking ex Aunties and akkas who had been our neighbours. Ours was the only family which was still struck to the same block from my 4th standard. So many had come and moved away. Somehow we never felt like moving out, at least this is one thing is relatively permanent.

If were to describe everything that would take another hour of my time. Just 2 things. One was while I was returning home from poolangudi after visiting my grandparents, I happened to meet another lady, whom I had never seen before and who described everything that had happened in the family accurately. I was surprised, there was literally nothing that she didn’t know. She later told me that she was the Pandian shop lady which was next to Reddiyar shop in the oft busstand. God! well, these ladies… well… she has the time to develop her general knowledge…

On Sunday, I had my train at 8:20 from junction…

Mysore became Mangalore

How it started

Some adventurous travel bug bit me from December 2006. I agreed for Bangalore transfer thinking, I would explore Karnataka while I have the time.

First weekend was following the republic day and that was wasted. Though, for the Sunday, I had a Piscean to bug and we went to Lalbagh in his bike. I am sure I have been here before in some LTC trip when I was a kid. I still remember the topiary garden, flowers are always a feast for the eyes and that is the only thing worth for living in Blore. Did not realize how the 4 hours flew by. Especially the rose garden. It was pretty hot then and Sonny was bored to death; but the roses were breathtaking… so many…so lively...so tranquilizing…

The next week, I had to plan. Then I realized the stars. This time round, I decided, no astrological barriers. So what if Gaya has avittam? I will spend the weekend with her. I had been thinking she was in Mysore and everyone was telling that Mysore was just 4 hours away. Only on Thursday, I realized she was in Mangalore and not in Mysore. My PM was asking again and again, if i would be definitely back on monday. I put aside everything. Even the fact that she would be having chandrastama when we travel and that I would be traveling west on Friday. So what?...

I knew if I told dad, he would never agree. So I just told mom and she said. Go enjoy. I went to majestic; booked the ticket; boarded the bus around 10 pm; and thought I will call up dad once the trip is over. However, my bad luck, just when I got inside the bus, dad called up. I can never ever lie to dad; for even if I did; dad would somehow figure that out. So I told him that I was planning for a Mangalore trip. He asked how far it is; I told him it is a overnight journey. He said big NO right away; then I told him I was in the bus to Mangalore; he was flabbergasted and he wasted 30 minutes blasting me and luckily gave up…

Majestic to Mangalore - Bus trip

The trip was really scary; for I had not quite recovered from my nightmares traveling in vehicles after the 2005 incident. Every sudden brake and close turnings gave me mini heart attacks. Since I was traveling alone, I was asked to sit near another lady in a two seater; but she kept her distance; didn’t let me lean on her. I waited till Hassan;  at last, I got on to the nearest 3 seater and took 2 seats and tried to sleep pushing off the guy with my head who sat on the edge like the camel in Arab's tent. I reached Mangalore bus stop early morning at 5 am and called up Gayathri. It was Feb 3, Chithi's B’Day; and I had to call her up to wish her. The bus stop was filthy. Very small and there were dogs lying there yawning lazily. I was just looking at the Karnataka map when G came after 15-20 minutes; she had come by walk from her PG…

My friend's PG

It felt so good to be awake and fresh early morning. She had got so lean and shapely; and looked tall; we were meeting after 3 years. We took an auto to her pg; and I slept off. She got me oily chola poori for breakfast. There was one more lively spirited gal - Si… all freshness herself. The three of us packed off to Pilikula Nisarga Dhama as our first spot sometime around 10 am; it was scorching hot;  we were being baked alive and I had no umbrella. It was so much fun to have young Si amidst us;  she spoke jet fast and was quite amusing. Gaya had changed a lot;  how quickly people change…

Pilikula Nisarga Dhama

So we took a winding path down hill; full of odd shrubs and stones; and getting foot hold was a bit difficult at few places. At last we reached the main entrance;  we got the entrance tickets and got inside the park. The entrance was lovely, with bewitching flowers on both the sides, and I was seeing creepers growing on compound walls making it totally green; something I never had a chance to see in hot trichy or Chennai. We walked around the path; watching as pairs scurried for privacy almost every where we turned our heads. At least they were decent unlike Lalbagh.

We wanted to go boating; but we were all scared of the roasting sun;  and we decided to just roam about the park in the shade. We crossed the tiny foot bridge and reached the other side of the peaceful lake; and kept walking; watching the fishes in various tubs, gazing at those lovely flowers all around. The lake was deep blue-green; it made a picturesque sight - the still water with one or two odd boats; the clear blue sky and lush greenery all around sprinkled with assorted flowers…

A Surprise Visitor

We had reached the other end of the park; kind of deaded; so we decided to rest our feet. And we shared some toffees; watching the pairs around. Then we backtracked; close to noon and just when we reached the tract near the foot bridge, Si spotted a tiny black snake, should not be more than 4-5 feet long. Don’t know who started screaming, Gaya and Si both were screaming; while the poor thing was slithering for its dear life. I scream at the sight of flying cockroaches but am so awed with snakes, that no sound comes out. It hid behind those plants and wriggled even faster. We waited for few minutes and decided to carry on, and just we reached the foot bridge, the snake slithered even faster and escaped under the bridge, then there was another round of screaming. With no other incident,  we came out. There was one zoological park just opposite to the park. However, I was not interested in watching the creatures in the cages and we decided against going there… My legs were still unequal, so temples were ruled out...

Mangalore Lunch

We took an auto to the busstand outside the park and reached the busstand. Another bus came, and we happened to sit just behind the driver. There were so many curves and turnings and I kept incessantly talking to Gaya to avoid seeing the road. At one place the driver put a sudden brake and we would have literally jumped outside the window, if we had been holding on to our seats tightly, drivers in Mangalore seem to drive a bit rashly…

We got down and went to some hotel I don’t remember. Gaya had some roti dish and Si and I settled for meals; I wanted to have proper Mangalore meals and went in for those round riced meals; it was not all that different, just coconutish smell in everything. Then, we went back to the room and had a kutti nap. In the evening we decided to go to Panambur beach or that is the name I seem to remember…

Panambur Beach

Right from the moment we got down at the busstop it seemed eerie; it was a short walk; and there were lovely lavender flowers all along the roadside… so inviting… so refreshing…

Si wanted to pluck those flowers and she did and ended up having her hands darkened. So much of black soot due to pollution. It looked beautiful only from a distance. Just as we neared the beach,  there was such an acrid smell, some industry. The sand, everything was black as coal. Then near the beach we found lots people, hotel and all, we had nongu in a hurry. We didn’t want to miss the sunset and it was setting just then;  it was lovely sight, never had a chance to see sunset by the sea in thiruvanmiyur beaches, living in the east coast. Never had a chance to see sunrise even once, but had seen full moon so many times. For the first time, we were seeing golden coal red sun, bidding alvida, in all its glory and felt real warm inside, the sand on the beach was white, soft and it was very clean compared to Chennai beaches. We went on to play with the sea water, we wanted to go the fortress kinda something that was jutting out, but Gaya was against it, and when it got a bit dark we pushed off…

Pabbas Icecreams

...and Gay took us to Pabbas icecream . Man! real fabulous! Next to Peach Melba in Basera this was the best one I had ever had. So many varieties, and the price was unbeatable. We had 2 innings and then returned home in auto… Dad called up again to keep track of me after Pabbas…

Day 2 - Thalai Cauvery changed to Abby Falls

On Sunday, we planned to go to Thalai Cauveri and one more place. The trip uphill was fantastic,  real good. But then we started late and Gaya wanted to return home before 6 in the evening, and I wanted to sleep on proper bed since Monday had so much in store. So we cut short our Thalai Cauveri plan and ended up going to Abby falls,  a place where we had been warned not to go… by everyone…

It was Chandrastama for Gaya and she was sick the whole trip on Sunday. I felt bad that I dragged her there, she puked right after we alighted, even Sonny happened to take 1 week off after the Lalbagh trip where we had the fruit salad in the noon and sandwiches and noodles in restaurant. Sonny was preaching, order the specialty of the hotel, for instance, don’t order noodles in Punjabi dabbha etc… but I was bored of having aloo paratha almost every other morning for breakfast in our serviced apartment…

There were so many guys; in fact just 1-2 gals out there in Abby falls. The auto trip up there was fabulous though, wonderful scenery, vast greenery to soothe your eyes with a medley of lovely flowers everywhere, it was so beautiful. We were seeing coffee seeds at a pluckable distance, I still could not believe…how these green-red things would transform to coffee seeds eventually…

It was feb, so water was relatively sparse in Abby falls and it was only Guys everywhere. We were feeling a bit uncomfortable. We clambered on to the bridge and we feasted on the meager water that was cascading down. We climbed up those steps again and the auto guy took us to one place, it looked like a Mosque, but had Siva lingams inside, I was praying inside. It was so cool and peaceful inside there, but the whole style didn't seem to blend, hindu god in muslim abode? Only after I finished, I realized it was some Maharaja’s Samadhi, I was disgusted… oh my god…what’s this…

Trip Back To Guest House

Then we had lunch in a quite Udupi restaurant. It had a distinct flavour that was quite good. All circular rice grains, low priced again compared to even Trichy. It was past 1 and we decided to part ways. I had a blore bus waiting and boarded that,  and here is where I met another JA31 Acqua… who let me have his Hindu for solving Sudoku. He was showing his kutralam or was it Hogainakkal trips snaps in his mobile. Bus trip down hill was pretty good with arresting scenery all around. However, after 4 pm, it was quite dusty and trite, we reached Mysore around 6 pm and Majestic little close to 10 pm. He was in Jeevan bheema Nagar and so we boarded another city bus together. However, we had alighted at the wrong stop and had to walk quite some distance to reach the next busstop. He was carrying 2 bags full of coconuts from his hometown, then we took another auto till kempfort and we parted our ways. It was close to 11 pm when I slept. I was glad he was there for company that evening, but somehow he always seems to pick up the times when I want to throw down my mobile to call. But even after years, continents apart we are still friends...

One thing for sure, I started noticing the Mangalore beauties from then on. Without exception, every gal was sylphlike, ravishing… refreshing. It was Gaya who enlightened me that Aish was from mangalore. I found 2 gals from Tulu who are equally fabulous; all our guys here are fida over her.; and after coupla coffee breaks with me; she literally blushes every time she sees me. Now I realize how Basil felt on seeing Dorian Gray. There is in fact one more Mangalooru on the way from Vellore to Trichy…it was a really charming place and memorable trip altogether…

Shiva-Shiva

These days, so many ask me who is this Shiva and only then I realize oh my god I have uttered Shiva again amidst these people. It used to Muruga Muruga at least till 7th std. I don’t know when this transition came. You don’t need god, if you identify yourself with god, for then you are the god,  however, this advaithism (rather my understanding of it) is most of the times beyond me. Call it Hanuman syndrome or whatever…

We had a lingam at home and I used to clean it at times. I was in 5th standard then and I washed it with hamam soap one afternoon. Someone told me, that was wrong and I never touched the lingam again. However again many years later I got back to Shiva, primarily for escaping initially.

I was in 7th standard when we all went for the first thirupathi trip and we got those kids books telling about balaji puranam with pictures and I realized how shiva was cursed by Bhrighu to be worshiped only as lingam. I didn’t understand what lingam was then. Years later in 2005, my roomie happened to have City of Joy, and it was in this book that I realized what lingam meant. By then shiva had become everything for me. And it was very agonizing for me to realize that I was worshiping this symbol. I still remember the first time I went to Marundheeswarar temple in Thiruvanmiyur after I had finished that book. I had a clear darshan that evening. He was divinely glowing permeating a sense of calmness all around. However, I was in turmoil, it was like my base was shaken, there was nothing I could hold on to now.

I complained again to Sugi and she said she knew this long before. She was more of a Vishnu gal kind. She did not stand pratyankara devi, eventhough she was the one who introduced me to her. She is a typical acquarian who never ceases to remind me her higher astral plane, especially, the days after she finishes any Ayn Rand books.

Now, I have come to accept that this a path to spirituality. To realize the goodness and the god within. These foreigners have a coarse and superficial way of interpreting anything. And I have to change my perspective; which I have and found solace again in the good lord. So what if Kiran Desai shrugs it off in her 'Inheritance of Loss', so what if so many cultured gals shrug off, everything is divine and everything is shiva mayam…

The most wonderful day

Weekends always vanish every time, with little time for anything that I really want to do.
Last week was no exception. To top it all, I happened to watch Virumaandi in KTV, while I was hooked to mobile talking to mom and Raji. Was mighty glad, when V got over … thank god it got over… and this morning at 7, I found that I had slept over Atlas shrugged without even switching off the lights…In the morning…I was still with AS… I didn’t bother to take the newspapers for breakfast…I was still struck to AS…

Thanks to dd debacle on Wednesday, I had to go to IISc this morning…I started opening AS near Pizza hut signal…I had just started … and was just thinking about the preface the editor had written… he seemed to be so scared of Mrs Rand… saying…she will not like this… she will prefer only this and had written the excerpts and how she had got writing this novel… what she wanted to convey… she wanted to stress on the relationship of her firsthanders with the rest of her dismal world rather than firsthanders alone as in FH… oh my god… when I read her note "may god forgive my mistaken conceit"…I thought…it is not mistaken… in fact is 100% genuine conceit…and she would do well to have 1 ppm of modesty… of course, were she to say this on my face…I would say "oh come on Ayn… there is no such thing…just be yourself…"

I can never ever stand suspense…I always read the last page once the novel poses its first suspense…so far I have not read the last page…I did not bother about the caution who ever wrote the preface had given…and could not help admiring the way she thought… the unthought-of of perspective she infused…I was reading about Hank Rearden and then I felt, oh my god… how lonely Ayn must have felt in the company of those people who did not think on her wavelength… but at times…I was so irritated with her highhanded, supercilious, condescending attitude… as if she and her so called firsthanders were the only people and the rest were trash… is expressing feelings a sin…something so base and vulgar? Why all this class crap? Would anyone feel lonely when they are happy? I feel lonely when I am in a crowded station or TNagar Ranganathan street kind of area…but please not when you are happy…Shiva would be there then…But at times, I could not help realizing the agony she might have felt trying to break away from those mundane things to higher realm of typical Aquarian abstractions…am just in page 42… and so more on this later… about half way through the trip … after crossing Ulsoor lake in St. John’s road after 1 hour…I found that I had forgot my dd…I was confused... should I backtrack and retrieve the dd or carry on and get the dd in some bank on the way…I decided to go back since, cancelling the dd will involve wasting Vijay’s time and getting a new dd the auto guy's time… there was so much of air pollution and I was torn between devouring the bangalore sights… reading AS in traffic signals …being extremely happy with myself for forgetting the dd back in the room and rubbing my nails together for hair growth as Ramdev had said…I should have got the message at least then… surprisingly sugi picked up the call I made in her out-patient hours… in fact i always wonder…will I ever get the chance to play the elder sis…

When I returned back to room more than an hour later… it was 10:30 am and match was going on in the reception… I just took the dd and photographs and rushed back and reached application office around 11:30 … the counter guy said, the dd i had taken was for online application and I need to get another dd… so I went to the sbi and tried to cancel the dd… after writing an application letter and 5 minutes later…the BM told me that I had to cancel the dd only in the branch where the dd was originally taken… another queue to get the dd…at last I got the dd and rushed back…IISc had a kind of soothing effect…tall old trees… lively studious ppl… I could not help admiring JRDT for this sheer foresight and the way he had positively affected so many people’s lives… had he thought like Hank Rearden… just making steel and money…obsessed with his ingenuity… am wondering, where would India be…you can be a genius, get frustrated with others for being the genius like you are…showing-off and being indifferent to the rest of the world and be great… but when you are genius, a pioneer and take the world (okie a majority at least) with you rather than fight with them…take them to your higher level rather than cribbing about popular trash stuff… you would be greater… I got the form and filled it along with another gal who was from Jharkhand…I filled the form in record speed coz the auto guy had been waiting for nearly 2 hours… and… the counter guy was helpful and he gave me the adhesive and scissors to cut my photograph… I wanted to post the form right there…however, post office was not right on the way and hence… I decided to post it in NAL post office in Airport road… I was reading the brochure in the auto and to my dismay I discovered that I had used pen where I was supposed to have used pencil… well… nothing much to do now… I can not go back and get another form… I just wrote with pencil over the pen markings…

I poured out to mom around 1:30… reached NAL post office… it felt so primordial out there… so many of us were there… and the lady at the counter was calmly counting bundles of notes… at last she finished…gave the bundles to another table and finished processing my speed post after 15 minutes… and then when I went to office, it was 2:47 pm and found, lunch was over in the cafeteria… i should have got this day’s cue… however…I decided to go for Palak Cheese grilled sandwich…

This evening, we had another celebration…and my DM had been looking for me to write out the names on certificates, but I had been here in blore roads, so i had escaped ...there were so many of them…after the certificates were distributed…I got my dabba and came out… and found in my dabba alone samosa was missing… and since I had forsaken cakes with eggs a year ago…my high tea snacks was reduced to nothing in the end…I believe, even every bit of dhana we eat is destined…I should have struck to my original plan for trayodashi…Shiva-Shiva…

Come home No

In spite of breaking of my sleep pattern, missing my morning yoga session with Ramdev in Aastha... everything else went as per my todo list...
thanks to IJ yes'day i slept at 2 am...n woke up at 9 am.. and i had to finish those 35 questions... it was 12 when i finished them... and past one when i got ready after washing my week load clothes...
Auto was there... waiting... and i went to Lotus... no comments on the outcome though... all i can ask is Y again... god Y?

this is not what i wanted to write about... i went for the classes in time... it got over 1 hour earlier... BITS pilani pisth Shilpa, Rachana and i were walking by the lane parallel to CMH road... there were these tiny guys... did not even look like 10th standard... some 6 or 7 guys... smoking... and asking aunty what is the time... oh my god... aunty... puhleez.... guys are starting pretty early these days... fine...

just near the HDFC atm... shilpa had to go... and i was walking alone towards lotus... that was when i heard a hello... n lo it was OC22 Raja... the only memory, i have him from college was that he was smoking inside the class... well... his lungs... okie no issues... so there he was and he had to withdraw and i had to go the opp direction... he said i had become lean... looked like i was not eating... surprisingly...even in the jain college... the attendant had also said the same thing that i had become lean this evening...and that i should eat well... little do they know that i am just eating ice creams after ice creams and most oily stuff every day...

so we went together to lotus...and he withdrew from icici atm from there... i had been going through cmh road from july 1... but i had never seen adyar anandh bhavan in this road... nor had i heard about idli house... so we went to adyar anandh bhavan... and i owe him... we had parotta and masala dosa... took another auto to airport road and parted ways from pizza hut...

he had come first in W marathon... and twas good to hear that... he is doing his masters in Fin and into Unix dvlpment... its better... all college guys have become responsible... i was a patti at college and now i becoming immature... well... surprising that i happened to meet him like this... it was after NALCO or MTNL exam or some exam like that when we first had a chat around Vadapalani busstand or some area like that... and now again...

You know how it is at Adyar Anandh bhavan...always crowded with namams and kids and thathas... so with great difficulty we managed to find two seats and opposite to us was a family with a kid, a lady and her husband... apparently they had spotted another acquaintance... they were talking in agmark thanglish... after the lady finished her talking... her husband said to the acquaintance... come home no... well... come home no?

Beloved IJ

My sis, bro and mom are really sick hearing me talk about IJ...they are really losing patience, the moment i start about IJ... however, of late IJ is the only person who comes to my mind always...

Especially Saturdays...its just thinking about IJ... its not platonic... but it can never be even remotely carnal as well, though at times it is...i am confused why am i wasting my time thinking abt him...all i know is...whenever i sit with math...my thoughts switch on to him...n thinking abt him...brings a silly smile on my face...

Or is plain numbers again... another 2-7 thing...but i should not generalize with just 3 such relationships... or is it that i am over imagining his mere professional behaviour with me...
meeting him took 5 months to convince dad...1 month of my sis's time to book his appt ...and when i finally got his appt...i had to cancel the trip....thanks to cauvery issue...all buses were stopped across the karnataka border...

it was Feb 24 ...4 days after his bday that i was finally able to meet him...he was angry then...he was saying no more free things for that Rosy with a kid whose both legs were in pop...and to me he said...i didn't call you... actually his assistant had called me...i thought oh my god...why am i even here... nothing can be more irritating than waiting for hours to meet this person...who like a typical moony can be 50% hitlerish 50% gandhish...and you would never know when what... he is one person who likes to boast...or rather...it is how you need to be...modesty never pays...you need to blow your own trumpet to maintain that... however he spent more than 40 minutes counselling...and even now am kinda angry that i was close to tears before him that day... that first trip is again memorable...cause those were after the initial blore days... i had boarded the bus at 11:30 pm and reached vellore at 3:30 am... early morning... all alone in the filthy bus stop...and they were playing old thamizh songs... god it felt so good to be back home...to listen to thamizh... to look forward to proper idli sambar after the sambar kodumai in blore...

in april he had sent a crisp letter home... my sis had all the world's time and she offered to get the pre auth form filled...however, when she speed posted the form...it never reached me... i had to make another trip after april 22 to submit the pre auth form... his assistant K gave me his number then... and she said...she would have the form filled the following monday... sugi and i reached the following monday...n we were shocked...k was on leave and so was IJ... we had in fact called up on sat and confirmed the pre auth form being available...

we thought the attendant who was there was just telling lies that IJ was on leave... we waited...we went to annexe to have breakfast and tried our luck again... he was not there...my fury knew no bounds...i tried calling him up...and he promptly cut my calls...he should have been roaming...or could be no signal... for he called from some landline... my sis tried to calm me down... but i was so disgusted with the whole state of affairs...and with no other option... i smsed him asking him to let us know when the form will be filled up completely...(by the way it was April 30 then...a true jupiterian director's bday)... we had travelled the whole night from trichy to meet him and lo this was the result...so i messaged him stating we are leaving this day... would he let us know when he would fill in the pre auth form completely... so then at last it was a breather when he called up from kerala stating that he was at his mother in law's place...he asked me to stay in vellore and not go back to try...and he needed to examine me...but the next day was May day...did they work on this day? sugi wanted to make sure i had not sent any thing rash... she had fear or respect for HODs...she grabbed my mobile and only after she saw what i had sent she stopped advising me...

the only friend sugi knew had had a Cesarean then...so staying at that place was na mumkin... so we just took the scan as he had asked...and pushed off for watching "tara rum pum" nearby... so it was past 5 then... we had to find a room to sleep and since we had not planned for another day... we had to buy nighty as well...so that we could wash and wear fresh clothes the next day...

we found a room at last through a beauty parlour lady and the next day we were there at 9 am to bug him... he was there in his office ...he exclaimed to some B stating look at the number of pins she has... he asked if i had been the airports...but domestic flights never bother abt metals i believe...and he explained, how the length discrepancy had occurred... the angle of the neck of femur had changed increasing the length of the whole leg... now there were two options to shorten the longer operated right leg... or lengthen the proper left leg... but i could never trust anything dexterous...right from a tiny wart on the upper right eye lid to my right leg toes... everything was mended...my sinistrous side was there strong and reliable always... he went out for something... and i could not help noticing...how the scan completely... embarrassingly revealed my outline and every fold and curve... n how IJ was discussing offhandedly...

so i was there with my sis and he said he needed to examine me... and the dressing room that day did not have any gowns...i was just been given a bedsheet...and there he was examining my leg making windows through the sheets... i could not help remembering the starting scenes of Midnight's children then... (man i was literally in love with Salman Rushdie those days in 1998...)

operating the left he said was cake walk for him...2 cms was nothing...he had grown bones till 20 cm... operating the right he said would be kinda tedious cause he would have to tamper the sleeping 7 year old screws and plates... but then i had been cautioned by my Aries DM who had the ilizarov on his femur and he was not able to sit or sleep ... so i was against getting ilizarov on my right femur no matter what... and he had his reasons not mine...and he agreed to fill up the pre auth form for the operating the left... i don't know what he filled in the first pre auth form...and why did he have this doubt when he was filling the pre auth form for the second time...

so we faxed the pre auth and went home...the next day they called from mumbai stating that claim was not approved... since cmc was removed from the list of networked hospitals...i spent a week in agony...trying to call up cmc n uhc checking what was the issue... with 4 days for surgery...i had no other go...sugi suggested miot...but then i had read a mail...where a 20ish road accident guy was declared dead due to heart attack... and dad again put his foot down stating it is either cmc or no operation... i mailed my hr manager as the last resort and lo...mails poured in after that stating it was already approved...oops god... how uhc turned its plates...lovely....

so on may 8th... sugi and i were going to board the 8:20 bus that leaves oft...i started early with mom...but sugi had things to do...she said...she will catch up with me... just when she reached the bus stop the 8:20 bus left... the next one was at 8:50 and our vellore bus was to start from junction at 9:20 or 9:30... i have always hated autos and i said...i would rather wait for the bus than to board an auto at that time from oft... so after waiting the bus came to oft at 9 pm and it rolled slowly till airport... after it crossed mannarpuram...i went to the driver requesting him to speed up...he speeded the bus... and we reached the junction 20 minutes late... the only vellore direct bus had already started and it was turning... after being gently chided... we got inside the bus...

we reached the hospi... and found sugi had booked the appt for the wrong date... we got a new appt that was at 11:30 am... but IJ summoned us right in the beginning and we had to wait for the room to be free in ortho... oh my god... all those irritating waits in the care section and waits to get the ward room... same o4 east... same nurses... that night IJ came with close to 10 ppl... they got a ilizarov frame.... put my leg inside that...and they were busy talking... amongst themselves... then came the most irritating part...he was there again... he asked how does it feel to have one leg shorter than the other... oh my god...i just thought about Freaky Friday movie...i hate those how-does-it-feel questions especially from doctors... little do they care...little they can afford to care rather...for their own sanity... how callous he was... rather i felt so... i wanted to tell...get ur one leg shorter and then you would know how it feels... but i ended up saying...what an absurd question is this...and then he left... then there only those interns who wanted me to lower my pants a bit so that they could make measurements...however whenever i see those docs...i only remember them as playing with female corpse...putting pieces of tissues into their friends pockets for fun.. carving obscenities in the female corpse's inner thighs... i hated it...i could not stand that intern palpitating my hips...i could not help crying again...and made him get away...IJ had made all the measurements already and here he was exposing me as a guinea pig to his cult...i was furious...

it was Dulhari (how much her parents should have loved her to keep such a sweet name) a July 26 intern...5 years my junior who comforted me... it was then that i was given a paper to sign that had the list of all possible undesired outcomes after this surgery... i was too scared... did i make a wrong bet? but i signed never the less... but i could not sleep the whole night thinking about the 5 things i had agreed for...informed consent they said...repeated fractures...infection...n 3 more things... well... it was 2 am...i could not sleep yet... even after popping in that sedative... so then some time after 2 i sent IJ an sms stating he was the only reason i was here...and that i was allergic to adhesive bandages and i was not comfortable playing the exhibit for his gang... of course... that is a typical moon thing... boasting his works... he is a teacher... mentor...so used to explaining things to his juniors...his job...but then i was so irritated with this whole world... i was scared he would let his interns do the surgery while he just guided them...

the next day morning he was there in the room where they keep people before surgery...i had given my right incissor RPD to my sister as you have to, before the surgeries... i was so embarrassed to talk to him with the gap in my teeth... but then he said he was hurt with my sms... he said this is an educational institution... i replied it was intimidating when he came in with so many ppl...throwing his weight... he said next time round...he would send only one or two persons... i told him...i don't want another surgery and then he patted my hand and said it would be the last surgery... i was smiling again...

i was in at 9:30 and around 1:30 i was just woke up with mild discomfort... saliva had drooled from my mouth after that anaesthetic sleep and lo there was IJ... asking if it was paining... come on... what else do you expect... this another question i really hate... what am i supposed to say... it does not hurt...of course it does... but i have to be keep my trap shut and say...it is bearable... i had not got the meaning of semi private ward...i didn't know it meant no ac... since it was o4 east and familiar surrounding i had agreed...but it was those agni nakshathram days...n it was scorching... i had bid mom home to get a western loo in the quarters and dad had left as well... only sugi was there... guess...it was the next monday... that morning i was just concentrating on IJ to come and see me... i had not seen him after thursday... those were the days i was reading "Autobiography of a Yogi" and i really believe in the powers of siddhis... i was meditating on him...now i think i should have rather meditated and concentrated on getting my leg healed faster...silly foolish me... i was having such a crush on him... it was 8 am...i decided...this time... no more shitting in bed pans... am not going to eat anything solid till am able to walk to the loo on my own...i had been having fruits and milk from wednesday thanks to dad... so at 8... i decided i will rather bathe... god!... back to compartmentalized bathing... sugi got a plastic cover from the sisters and i bathed... felt so good to feel the water cleansing the body... it was while i was bathing that apparently IJ had come... he came after some 30 minutes to see me again...

and there he was telling his patient's comfort was first for him... he was explaining how he had been to US and got the Taylor's Struts framework... i pronounced tailor and he corrected it saying TAYler... again the guru in him...patiently explaining and correcting every disciple... he said...how the US doc and he were good friends and usual blah blah...i never ceased to admire him as he spoke...i was smitten... he then went to explain how to turn it every day... then i asked him how was his weekend...anyways he has his OP on saturday... and he said...he was in a with a hospital governing body meeting or something akin to that... i was so disappointed... oh my god... even on Sundays... i had been thinking... he would spend his Sunday peacefully romantically with his wife... seriously right now...i don't know how life would be the other side of 50... probably i might become a mind reader, astrologer, soothsayer... i might acquire my siddhi powers by then... thinking about and working for jana kalyan... but what does IJ's heart beat for right now... all i can do is just croon...i want to dig down deep...i want to loose some sleep... i want to know IJ inside out... what is he thinking right now... in what dress does he sleep...what does he eat... how does he come to his room 2... what does he pray for... what does he fear...what does he crave for, strive for...

okie leave that... so there he was explaining, how i could turn the 6 struts 1 mm per day and our hands brushed again while he was explaining... he said...he would come at 5:30 pm that day... meanwhile...i wanted to go home...coz...i could not stand the heat and the loo had a step to climb...i thought...by the time i go home...loo would be ready and i can eat something proper... sugi had gone to get the handles for the the shoulder crutches... from 10:30 am ... i was left alone... she came around 2:30 to say they didn't do change the rubber handles in cmc and she had to go out to do that... she said...she had found footwear here outside that was much cheaper than what was available in chennai... i said... whatever it is just come back soon...i could not read my book... i could not listen to my ipod...i was so restless...i needed to pee...i could not get outside the bed... every movement hurt... but then... i was so inconsiderate of sugi's feelings as well...from 4... i kept on trying sugi's number... i kept on trying home... i could not reach any one... i was so furious on being left alone... i was so angry with every one... i could not help crying again... it was close to 5 pm... i was so irritated that sugi did not pick up the call...that i flung the mobile across the room...i could not bring myself to fling the ipod on the floor... the mobile was lying there blinking its lights and there came IJ with his junior again... the plump guy in the adjacent bed came and gave me my mobile... IJ asked, "frustrated is it"... i said kind of...he said "i told you i would come at 5"... i said that he had said 5:30... he then went on to explain how to turn the struts to his junior again... i was embarrassed that IJ had see me flinging a mobile on the floor...i told him.. i needed to be discharged... he said sure... right away....

then he left and i fought with sugi... i still can not believe...i can be so mean and hurt her and myself with such acerbic words... i wanted her away... i could not stand the sight of her... i said...if she stayed in the room...i am going to pack off... i had started walking with the crutches...sugi said she would leave once mom came... but i was not willing to listen...i wanted her away... she was there waiting outside at 7... since she was not going...i took my purse and mobile... i thought i will board an auto and get home in a cab there after... but sugi told the nurses and they locked the 04 east gate.. they kept a lady at the gate to keep me from going to the lifts... it was dinner time... and so many people were coming and going... because of me...the attendant had to unlock and lock the gates every time... finally sugi relented and she stayed out...i still don't know where she stayed that night... but we made it up after june 15... now everytime we spend hours on phone talking over mobile... missing caring for each other... i am almost so possessive of her...but then i was mad i believe... be it mom, my bro or sugi...no matter who it is...i love them so much on the first day... the second day ... there would be some fight over some thing... and then again we have to make it up... after those bitter fights... its always like that... and now when everyone is states apart... i can not but miss them... worry for them... bore them to death over phone every night...

IJ had summoned me on may 23... that trip had one incident as well... when we were returning in the omni... a man crossed when we were close to 80-90 speeds on the highway... the driver put a sudden brake and mom fell on my frame... my first concern was mom...thank god...she was okie... then the pain started shooting... that day as well IJ summoned me first...he insinuated about my temper...i said i get angry at times...well the truth is am always angry with someone over something... am always in love with someone at every point in life... now it is IJ... tomorrow it would be someone else...and in between these transitions lord Shiva ...i didn't have to wait too much that day for xrays... i took that waiting time for granted... i was so mistaken...

every now and then i could not help sending him a stupid mail or sms... and then i thought i was getting explicit and i had to restrict myself sending him another of those silly mails...which his whole dept could read...i didn't want to send him sms as well... i asked him for a letter for leave extension... coz i felt i could not lead my team with this frame... with Ram...most of my time was in the meeting rooms and shuttling between his cubicle and mine... and here i was with my right leg atropied and left leg in frame... IJ said...i was shirking work... i was furious that he didn't approve extra leave after june 15...i said i am not going to office with this frame on my leg...in two shoulder crutches... but he didn't budge and i was furious...i said... okie...well... i have no other option... my piscean friends suggested i get a fake medical letter to ask for leave till September till the frame is removed...but i didn't want to coz...IJ thought i was shirking work...fine i decided... what is the worst that can happen... i then called up Ram and told am coming to office once the planned leave was over... and i went to office in crutches... much against my wishes...

there was another thing with IJ... i was glad he gave the prescriptions and forms in C rate always... i didn't know that such a thing existed... it was sugi who told me that docs had the discretion to bill the patients at premium, concessional and one more rate... november end and early december... i had started my early morning 6 am swimming classes thanks to Salsa dancing Feb10 HAPP Dev... and since i didn't want to limp till the pool without my height adjusted slippers... i used to wear them right till the pool edge... i got 2 pairs of slippers from Malar orthotics and everytime they they used to get torn since i used them with water soaked feet...i didn't want to spend another 450 on a third pair...and so it was stitched by the cobbler... so in the initial days...IJ had taken my two slippers and compared them for the height difference and it was embarrassing that he saw them mended coarsely... i don't understand why am so bothered about this external show... why i am anna wise and rupee foolish...what ever...

after that trip... IJ said...jes send the xray across ...so i got the xrays and send them across... somehow i was never satisfied with the way the bone filled up in 2 cm vacuum...i felt it was not straight... ofcourse no single bone in the human body is perfectly straight...thats what sugi tells me... so sometime after june 15...when i rejoined office i had another trip to cmc...this time round... when mom paid for the appointment in invoice...mom said IJ was on leave...i was furious that he took off... and i sent him another stupid sms... but he was there that day...he summoned me quickly and i didn't have to wait long for the xrays.... i was glad and i packed off at 12 and was in blore by 4:30... this cabbie was the most chuweet... albeit a bit costly...while leaving vellore i sent another stupid sms to IJ...

next month i took the xrays in blore...it was pouring that day... i climbed up Apoorva Diagnostics and got the xrays after my sat classes and couriered it to him... i was again not satisfied with the way ossification was taking place...i sent him another stupid sms.... i forgot to keep a note when i couried him and i sent him another stupid mail... when i called him ... he was very curt... not sparing a second to cut the call... man... he is an acquarian any day...no matter how often his piscean sun intervenes in between... and no use expecting any emotions other than a doctorly demeanour from him... i decided to keep my tailed tucked in.. and not mail him any further or sms him any further... with guys... it is so simple...once off...it is for ever off... it is not like you say you don't think about him and keep on dreaming about him hypocritically... well whats the point... i used to tell sugi... what if i tell in the next appt that i am madly craving for him... sugi would just laugh and shrug it off... many a times i would plan to tell him... and many a times i would decide other wise... whats the point...why complicate his life and get him started on his another moony discourse or curt acquarian nonchalant dismissal... any way what is the point... he is not my destined guy in the first place... and i can not stand an acqurian in the long run... and the moment i love any one... just as it is with sugi and mom and dad n cheenu n my crushes ...i do not want to end up hating him with the same intensity...i do not want to hate him... no matter what he did with my left ankle in 1999... getting his interns to put on the pop before removing the stitches... i wish dad had not been so very cmc-apollo struck and instead taken me atleast to puthur nattu kattu or patanjali's yoga centre... i wish none of these 4 incidents and 6 surgeries ever happened... but wait...it is now past...i have to live with it... thanks to all those wonderful things i might have done in my previous janma...
there are a thousand things that could have gone wrong during any surgery... thank god... there was no infection as in apollo... no heart attacks as in miot... nothing so fundamentally stupid as in malar...eventually it is like choosing the least corrupt politician... somehow other than IJ, i can never ever bring myself to not consider others as insensitive, hardened-by-the-system quacks... very few exceptions are there of course... in fact other than these wonderful incidents...i never had to go to hospital for anything else... these waitings...oh my god... it is a colossal waste and test of financial, mental and physical endurance...wish my next trip to get rid of his TSF will be last trip to a hospital...

It was Aug trip that was the most irritating... the cabbie had come 1 and half hr late and i bid him to drive at 90-100 kmph to reach in time and he was a young chap... i hate these boys...there was a bull standing on the way... i was mugging 19th table on that trip... no matter what i could not help admiring the highway connecting chennai and blore... who said it is only scenic ECR...it was a sat... i had my classes starting 3:30 pm and i thought like other trips... this would get over by 11:30 since i had booked the first appt and make it in time... i had mailed IJ as well...ofcourse IJ never had the time to read my mails...his assistant would never care to tell him if he got a mail...
but this time round IJ summoned me at 9:30 kinds... i had to wait an hour to get the xrays done...i didn't want to miss my classes... so i decided not to sit and wait for his subsequent post lunch meeting that he never ceases to condescendingly remind as to how he is treating me out of turn for the nth time... i had my lunch hurriedly... i had called up the cabbie to be there at 12 and i had repeatedly told him that i needed to back in blore at 3 pm... but the cabbie had slept off...and at 12:30 i didn't have the patience... i created another scene with my mom and that Devi and got into an auto...my original intention was to get another cab to blore... it was 1 pm and still the cabbie was not reachable... i was still fretting and fuming that the guy was late in the morning and so callous during the trip... he had a cat crossing the cab and he had stopped the cab...and did some kutti kissing with his index fingers...somekinda prayer... so half way in the auto i changed my mind and decided to take a bus to blore... why waste another 3-4K for the trip... and reach the classes 1 hr late... so i boarded the bus and booked 3 seats to stretch and sit ... and reached blore and residency only around 5 pm...

meanwhile that cabbie had kept on calling ...i would have got close to 50 calls that day... the next day was sunday...my exam...and he was there right in the morning ... he came in a bike...asking for money... i was furious...the more i gave vent to my temper...the more it flared... he then said he would be jobless because of this... i only remembered my previous janma story from agasthiyar nadi ... and i said...let me not repeat the same mistake again...let me not spoil another guy's career... but the scorpio in my craved for revenge... for the 1.5 hrs wait in the morning... the bumpy trip and for making me board a bus... i told him i am not going to give the money... but then i realized no use having anything to do with these neech guys... am going to stay all alone in blore... even if i make a police complaint on his bugging me... he might throw acid on me if he chooses to... no use... so eventually i relented much against my wishes and gave him 2K for that trip...i was furious those days... oh my god... what is this...

the next trip i decided..i would rather bunk office than to cut the classes and agreed for the wednesday appt... this time round i booked the train tickets... this time round... the office cabbie was exceptionally kind... he like Rajini has one Aishwarya and one Soundarya...his home is in Mysore... i had no time for dinner that night due to work... i had been skipping lunches from June 15 since the cafetaria had steps... i was starving...this cabbie got me and the waste security a banana and coffee... i had started from office at 10:30... reached cantonment at 11 pm and the train was at 11:55 pm... mine was his last trip...he just had to go home after my trip...but he stayed with me since i asked him to... saw me into the train and only then he left... god bless him... he didn't even accept my 100... god...i hv to repay him somehow... please give me a chance to repay him...the guy in the next berth was there to help me get down at katpadi at 4am... after kodumudi incident...i didn't want to risk missing my destination...i had not slept the whole night...
this time i had called dad...since i had not seen him after May 13 and i decided not to disturb mom... since mom was not there..i had pay for the apt booked in invoice on my own... since i had travelled over night i also had to find a room with western loo... at 4:30 ... i felt very uncomfortable going to each lodge alone...i decided to check if opds were open...luckily it was and...just as i was about to book a room for bathing... dad caught me and ... this time again... IJ was playing the guru... drawing on the paper as to how the frame on the femur would have taken less time...i didn't let him explain anything... i was still furious with the whole world... this time round... i put anne french on my leg leaving those pins and i was surprised as to how soft and smooth it felt after that... so there was IJ...my pins had got infected thanks to my foolishness and he felt my tibia and said it was warm...ofcourse...thanks to infection it was quite warm.. he would ask me to stand up and look straight so that he can cursorily palpate my hips... or am wondering now...am thinking about him because he has touched my hips?... i remember the book that says which body part a guy should touch to have vashyam over his gal... every moon sign has its body part... i believe...it is the neck for the moon acquarian gals...am sure it is the hips and thighs for the saggi moon gals...i can still feel the sensations i had ... even with the simple act of the gal next to me in bus sleeping on my lap when everything was fine... my hips and thighs were so sensitive to others touch..that even though i knew how tired sugi was...i would never let her sleep on my lap ...it used to be simply too much to bear... but then with IJ palpitating my hips...it used to be funny... at least he now no longer holds my chudi tight against my pelvic bones so that my tummy juts out... he once exclaimed i have put on weight... of course...i have put on 7 kgs... i was 49 when had seen me in 1999 and am 56 now... 6 kgs more than my ideal weight...i have to reduce now...

that time, dad again posed his trademark question... will there be any problem in marriage... IJ said no issues, she would be ready for marriage and every thing in 1 and half month... and he patted my shoulder... he had got up then i believe... god...dad is always embarrassing me with this question...
last week... i wasted 2 days doing a google on his name... he has published atleast 2 articles that are quoted in various med journals... there were so many entries for him... i spent the whole day looking at his findings on Cutaneous markers... and another paper why plain palmistry says this... every line... every ridge...every marking is a story waiting to be unveiled...i am glad he pays attention to these details as well...he is deeply religious i feel... he preaches whenever he can probably... he was preaching that Monday after may 10... last friday i spent the whole day going through 824 photographs of his alumni... he is a 69 batch... does that mean he is 1969 passout?...should be... i was not able to find him there... everytime i recollect his face... the way he peers through his glasses... it was funny to look at his alumni photos... the ladies were dressed like those day's heroines...in white saris (okie god knows what light colour... it was black and white photograph)... with big buns on hair... high big big kondais... sleeveless blouses... slim and sleek... petite and pretty...wow... he must surely have had a heart throb then... there were so many men's hostel day celebration photographs... how i wish i could spot his photograph when he was 23 years old...but alas am not able to... this trip would be the last trip to meet him... i don't have a digi cam... my mobile does not have a cam... and i have to save to foreclose my loan... i can not get his snap this time... this time...i will gaze at him to my heart's content and imprint his every feature in my memory... this time i will not tell him...i cannot bring myself to do anything beyond hugging him affectionately even in most intimate dreams... there is still that distance...
i don't think i can have a converstation with him for 5 minutes on general topics... we are poles apart...our worlds are different... this time i am not going to bug him... i need to stop all this...once for all... purge my thoughts and go back Shiva...

however, this would be easier said than done...IJ i think is right now my new way of escapism for not preparing for my exams... i need to do a catharsis... exhaust everything i ever feel for him...so that i don't feel anymore... so that i don't crave any more... right now... IJ will be just my beloved IJ... bringing in another smile on my face...there were a thousand calls i wanted to make...but he would have been sleeping then... there were so many mails i wanted to send... infact luckily cmc offers private mail facility...but what is the point... it is not going go beyond that... at the max i can wish him for christmas and his bday... then what...

on May 1, dad had missed his bus and came late and was not there when IJ decided on the leg to operate... he still was not convinced about getting the good leg operated... so i had asked IJ if i could ask dad to speak to him... he said do not anything against your parents.... in US...there was a gal who had a surgery and her mom didn't know about it..in india it is not like that... he said... get around your dad... his daughter used to get around him it seems... he said call me from 9-10... most nights...i would be just one step away from calling him or sending him an sms...but i have to stop...stop this utter nonsense... wait... guess i need to be like that at times.... hope i get back to preparation at least now...

Mars – the Bleeder

It is a discovery I made last Sunday…makes me shout Eurekha like Archimedes….But if I tell this, I would be committing the same crime that I blamed Stephen King for…indiscretion… when I read mac's book that had those disgusting shit weasels…I thought god please…why does he have spew out such retching graphic details... those things are better left unsaid…

Some how I can never cease to be amazed at the knowledge warehouse our ancient ppl have built… how on earth could Indian sages like Varahamihira or who ever wrote that ever know this… I can imagine Mendeleev and his assistants patiently counting those 10000 odd pisum sativums to discover the genetic ratios… but I cannot imagine…some sage or gyani to note such details about gals….

How did they do it? How does Mars have this effect? I think, I heard or read about it, when I was reading about Mangal dosha… but come on… who would remember the timings…when it is hard to remember the dates… but this time round, I remembered the timings…cause I was writing my exam on Sunday… when it started… i also the remembered the timings in the previous months as well… coz I had to pay so much to get his appointment and travel 5 hours one way to meet him…no matter when the appointment was given, the very prospect of going to that filthy scorching place full of negative vibes n deathly pallor…shattered souls…amputated limbs.. would start that in me… it was Mars hora all those times…. kumudham panchangam for the year says so...

And they say, it is during Mars hora every time for any gal on this earth…well… how did they know this…

If we are not supposed to believe in planets and trust one supreme god… leave those 9 odd planets and their thousand odd permutations n combinations, parvais and all that and trust one good lord god…how come, their findings on mars and its influence are so accurate? Then is it foolishness or what to do special pariharams for Mars and every planet that is not well placed in your natal horoscope? God is one or many…already there are so many gods specializing in something… to top it all…these planets…


Of course, in the end… it is our body and mind in the end… there are so many body parts … so many thoughts and feelings… I can consider…appease this part to get rid of this ailment… press-propitiate another nerve ending to get another benefit…but then… if all these multitudes and plethora are just one level deeper and externally it is just me…one person…makes sense…but why all these external rituals…why are they doing this yagnas and poojas and elaborate rituals…that is supposed to beget the same effect…

Of course, all these external rituals are like the doctor who gave a button to a lady to make her mentally feel good…so it aids to build that inner peace somehow…But why are so many people still blindly following the rituals and only the rituals superficially…I mean…it is so hot inside the temple…so slippery…suffocating…so unclean…do you still need to do this? Do you feel peaceful when you come out of temple…I see those beggars outside and I don't feel good…god why all this… got to prepare for my exam rather than wasting my time on this….

Sultry Suchitra

Yes'day was Anjan's B'Day along with JAK, Rams, Dileep and Subathra's... so Anjan had to give a treat... this morning...he asked if Suchitra was okie...and whole bay packed off to Suchitra...
Suchitra is near Pizzahut on Airport road... okie...we need to take a small lane past Gonguras and it is in the first floor...
it was 12:30 kinds when we started from office n unlike usual blore climate...it was hot... n once we stepped inside Suchitra...it was like getting inside an oven... all things walking, flying n swimming were on people's plates...

The veggies ordered baby corn manchurian and mushroom manchurian...okie so called...drenched in oil...baby corn was i think spoiled...but mushroom manchurian was eatable... nxt to me were Vijay and Banu... both were chomping in fish fry n chicken and mutton biryani... i settled for veg rice and something they called veg kadai... oh my god... unless you want to spoil your health...one should never eat outside and especially in Suchitra... lassi was only thing gulpable...and even b4 we finished...there were other guys who barged in took the chairs opp to us...

Then, we pushed off from there and Karthikeyan wanted icecreams...however kwality was closed...so we went to Fabmall...guys got choco feast and cornetto... my feast was Almond fudge and i started eating right in Fabmall..coz everyone knows that WindTunnel Road is the most polluted road in this whole world.... luckily just outside Fabmall...there was a guy selling Nellika... i had been looking for these amlas for quite some time....

Just as we crossed the apartments...there was cog guy who offered to drop us... we got inside the car and reached office...n here i am...

It was a wild DD chase this day

After a lazy sprawled-on-the-bed Gandhi Jayanthi, and an equally wierd dream this morning...it was Thiruvanamalai scorpio Vijay who came to my seat after hearing my Hi His in the office around 9:30 am to say that he forgot to get the DD.... oops...i beseeched him... would he get it around 2 pm at least...so that i can apply hurriedly...oct 3rd being the last day to apply online...

he said, he would try.... around 12:55 ...Anusham Nithya and May 22 Sheeba dragged me to lunch... i didn't carry the mobile with me... as usual...cause, every time i carry my mobile with me...i would end up making double trips to retrieve it after i forget it.... Little did i know that Vijay might be trying to call me precisely when i had gone for lunch...i found 7 missed calls when i came back... one of the missed callers was the Don'tAttend number i had stored...i was surprised that these promo callers had tried 7 times... my team member was saying that he heard the kquain kquain...(i had kept it in discreet) n left it at that....

around 2...Vijay came with adequate frustration and told that he had been trying to reach me to check if he could take the dd in hdfc bank...since i had not responded...he had gone to cmh road indira nagar to take the dd...n since 50 odd ppl were standing in the queue...he had returned without taking the dd... god...i was really happy with this turn of affairs... i told him... all i needed was the dd...never mind the bank or branch... we had another of those really useful 1 hour meetings from 2... and vijay was also part of that meeting... so after 3:15 pm... after freeing vijay from those inquisitive after meeting doubtmongers i was relieved when Vijay n Sashi went to get DD from hdfc that was pretty nearby... this time round...i was just looking at what details i might need to fill up the form... but lo...my good luck didn't spare me yet... vijay promptly came around 3:45 to tell that hdfc biz hours got over at 3 pm...

man...i had no other option but to go myself...i could have asked les concierges...but with time ticking...i realized... apna kaam swayam karo is the only way...i barged into the managers meeting...told Ram that i needed to take DD...i somehow samalchified when he asked for what...n pushed off at 4 pm...auto was there even b4 i reached the gate... went to the icici bank after almost a decade (okie last time was in dec to open joint acct for my sis) n pushed some red buttons n got my token number n sat in the queue... i had no pen as usual... the gal next to me gave it... i entered the acct number wrong in the first dd form... the gal next to me...got me 2 other forms...this time round...i entered all details properly n sat ...my number was 693...n the number on the display was 641... n the numbers were rolling at snail pace with a big tong sound every time...
then came a lady dressed in dark dodger blue...she was bulging-spilling all over her in her t-shirt and who ever was accompanying her...never ceased to put hands over her shoulder...every few seconds or so...
then there was a lady with a very big sticker bindi and a cute crew cut boy...think they were speakin in bengali... n then came the treat for eyes...guess 2 air hostess or god knows who...but ravishing beauties...with hair tied in a sexy kondaish hairdo...sleek, figure perfect....stiletto heels...tight black pants n semi formal tops...everything was so gazable...from jyothika like eye makeup to painted lips... they were there...then i got distracted with the announcement one icici guy laughingly made stating all deposits after 5 will be credited only tom morning... it was 4:50 then....
my turn came sometime after 5:10 n the guy at the counter said i had taken the wrong token...i asked him if i had to go back n get the correct token...he said no need n he asked if it was my sal acct...i told yes...then i had to wait close to 5-10 mins...he said the sys was slow...of course the whole world knows icici site is pretty fast.... after all that short time...he said...they don't have a branch at Kharagpur...so he can not get me the dd... wow... i was in cloud 9.... i asked him to name a bank that might give me a dd at this time payable at Kharagpur... he asked the gal in the nxt cubicle...she asked the gal next to her...and she asked the guy who made the laughing announcement... voila...no one knew...so i called up Ram...n he said SBI...the auto guy thought SBT was SBI...i thought why not give it a shot...the svelte middle aged mallu lady told me try South Bank..or i heard so... then i took another auto to SBI...n lo working hours were closed there as well...i tried my Gemini school mate n college mate... n selva was busy n raji was clueless... i took another auto back home...n narrated the whole story to mom ... everything is one janma dhooram from oft...so i guess...i need to make that dreadful trip to Malleswaram...god...hope they work on Sat...else going there to get the form in person is going to be equally wonderful....