Diwali

Well, it has been a terrific Diwali. The whole campus looks so enchantingly beautiful. I wish the nights lasted for ever, so that I could feast upon this charmingly lit place a little longer. It is so wonderful here, so awesome, so delightful.

Crazy people, they celebrate Diwali one day later here and no holiday. I wore a sari for ethnic day for classes and made another of those stupid group presentations on motivation. The ppts kept me awake till 4 am and dad woke me up at 7:30 am. After ppt, just when I thought, I could catch a short afternoon nap; I realized my bag with laptop was swapped. There was so much to do, since I had wasted 2 days locked in my room which had got dad on to the campus. We went to Meenakshi Sundareswarar Temple which was 15 mins from campus. Till around 2 am, I was going through what I had missed on Thursday and Friday last week. Again dad woke me up at 6:30 am and made me eat breakfast, lunch and afternoon snacks, which I devoured without any appetite, when all I wanted was few hours of undisturbed sleep. When dad, suggested, we go to Dharmasthala, I said, no, I have so much to catch up to and after much deliberation, he decided to go back home. The whole day I was on my feet, going up and down for printouts and books and discussions. By 7:30 after having spent one and half hours on just one regression question, my partner announced that all gals are wearing saris for Diwali special dinner and we could wear saris as well… So again, after helping her with hers, I hurriedly tied mine, all this while I had left dad to watch kanda naal mudhal in my room. We went for the so called networking dinner and again, I was all standing and then snaps and then firecrackers and now my legs are throbbing, every joint is hurting like hell, but I feel so good…so fresh…in spite of all this pain….thanks to Diwali celebrations…

This reminds me of this year’s Cithara pournami. It was the first time; I went for girivalam after my hip replacement that resulted in another stupid length correction (alleged as cosmetic surgery by insurance). I don’t know what was it, whether it was Swami and mom whom I had requested to join me, and whom I conveniently lost in the maddening crowd, or was it because of my ex who is now married, who held my hands as I walked those 18+ kms or was it because for the first time, I tried to meditate in Ramana Maharishi ashram before starting. Frankly and am amazed to this day, unlike other girivalams, I felt no pain, didn’t feel sleepy, I felt I was floating, I could have walked all over the earth that day. So all this not physical, it is something beyond this physical body, beyond these bones held together with screws and plates. If I could mentally detach myself from my body, nothing like it. God, wish I could feel and do that mental separation again… I just need to focus and do the right things at the right time…how easily said… well… whatever…

Numbers All Over

Just like this kid sneaking through, all i have is just a sneak preview. Nothing full, all half baked.


We had this ManCom class, which i find so hard to concentrate. He mentioned about C~ly F~rina and i got into this numerology mode. I was not surprised to find the total coming to a saturnine 35. What justice in taking one to the peak and throwing down disgracefully? I was doing the number totals for all my batch mates and found most of them had a venusian total. Many of the stars in the class had totals that matched their dobs.

I first got this book by pundit G in Subramaniapuram from my acquarian friend. But it just disappeared. I had given it to someone and i never got it back. The next time, i had personally got a copy from G and that too, i managed to lose. Most of my palmistry books and astro books are gifts by pisceans and acquarians. Now everything is gone since i had been living out of suitcases for the past 2 years. I learnt C coz of this wonderful book. I wrote my first program in 1999, in C++ for giving predictions based on dob and name. I could not translate for all the numbers, i translated around 75% of the book. Its been years since the HDD crashed and the code is also gone. Almost everyone who read this found it matched their profile. It was so fitting. The way people paired made sense based on the number vibes. The way people loved also synched mostly.

Suddenly am missing this book so much. But whats the point. I had asked my mom, bro and sis to get my books for me from Chennai (could be in foreshore estate or chithi's place), but guess, when it comes to such things, only apna kaam swayam karo would work. I don't understand, why my folks want to keep me away from these books. Hope i get to go to chennai sometime.

Suddenly its dad on my mind

"Read not to contradict and confute, not to believe and take for granted, not to find talk and discourse, but to weigh and consider."

Sir Francis Bacon

This is one of my favourite quotes in a Literature book that dad had bought. Dad used to buy lots of books for us. Very costly at times and when we had holidays, we were forced to translate them to hindi or write a page a day and show him when he came back from office. At times, we had to do a precis writing. We three used to hate it then. He didn't read in english medium and he made sure, we didn't have to face the problems he faced. He was a superb salesman. He made me feel that his ideas were mine. He didn't even know how to fill in an application form and ended up doing Economics instead of Engineering. And made me do engineering when i might have chosen fine arts left to myself. He used to make me tell the hindi lesson stories to him, while he hurried to office. He showed so much enthusiasm in everything we did. Be it my bharatnatyam steps or my paintings. He was always there to encourage us.


He taught me typing with typewriter. He got me keyboard for learning music. He got the old CBSE question papers typed out in 10th and 12th and forced me to write exams every sunday. I used to hate it then. But now i really cherish everything he did for us.

He taught me cooking. He taught me the steps to make the perfect sambar. I would get bored of sambar but he made me do it for weeks, till i got it right. He used to like it spic n span. I am given into my moods. When i would hear the bike sound. I would hurriedly sweep the house and make it clean for him. Still dad would again pick up the broom and show me the dirt under the cupboard. Even if it was washing a plate, he would make sure it was shining.

He would make a timetable of what to prepare when and made sure we had healthy food. Even if it was simple ironing clothes, he would make me do it patiently and perfectly. At times, i feel, the 1 surya pithru karka n the 2 mathru karka characteristics are very much true and he was two in one, a cancerian with a sun number 1. Dad was the most caring person.

Home kind of sweet home

well... this time, it the was the only 5 days i was going to get after so many months. And i was not sure, when i would get another break like this. My initial plan for these 5 days was to go to Kanakapura ashram. But mom had called up once to tell how lonely she was and i had booked the tickets right then cancelling all other plans.

The train was at 7:05 and R and I boarded the auto around 5:30 p.m. We shared stories and he got me into this Mookambigai trip now. Am jes craving for this trip now. Thats what my astro mentor S also recommended. Mom said, we have been there twice and once my sis was apparently swept 1 km downstream in the river around this temple. But i don't remember anything about this temple.

I was reading "Surely you are joking Mr Feynman" in the train and R's tap on my right knee woke me up around 3:50 am where we parted ways. I got down to the LB and slept there till I reached junction. I called up mom and asked her, when the next bus would come. I would have waited for some 30 mins, when a guy came and asked me if i was my sister. Since he said my name i said yes and slowly recognized that it was KP's father. He had retired and settled in kerala and KP had got another son Razin, the first one was Mauzin. He said he had a granddaughter through his son, but had never seen her. KP was always a fabulous gal. Aug 28 and she was the one who had me always laughing, whenever she came home. She was gr8 fun to be around with. Now her hus works in Gulf and i don't know how she manages.

He dropped me at home and i was shocked to find the door locked. I tried mom's number and found that it was ringing inside. I had no other option but to go to the busstand and bring mom back home. House was a mess. I was too tired to clean it up. She left to office and i continued to sleep the whole day. In the night, she got summons from Chennai. Chithi had stopped eating for a week and chithups was summoning mom to chennai. Mom asked, if i could join her. I wanted rest and sent her away. Mom left on tuesday night. 4 nights i was all alone. I slept with the lights on. I kept awake the whole night and slept when i was exhausted in the morning. I was rooted to the bed. I lay there reading books and listening to songs and watching stupid movies that mom had got from down floor neighbours. Airtel signal was weak in oft. I was too lazy to get up and answer phones in the hall. I just lay wedded to bed for 4 days till mom came along with chithi on saturday. I had to leave for blore on sat night. All those days, around 4 pm i would feel hungry and i would hv my first meal then. Luckily on friday, i got sick of this and cleaned the whole house, removed the cobwebs and later i found it was pradosham. But i had had my food and i had forgot to fast. I took a long bath and i tied a green sari and suddenly i realized that my left earring was no longer there. However, with in few seconds, i found both the earring and the thiruhani. Even now this piece is always lose. It was peaceful to be there. The temple had changed so much. All tiles around. As I did a pradakshina around shakthi, tears started pouring again, for no reason at all. Wish... wish... well... everything is destined.

Sat morning, mom left again to office and i was left craving for care. Chithi and i went for shopping grocery. I had survived on wheat dosa and kadamba rice all these days. I offered chithi milk and bread. She took 30 mins to gobble 2 slices of bread. Man i lost my patience. Then i made her mosambi juice out of 3 mosambis which i had squeeze with my hands. I was steadily losing my patience. Only then, i remembered, i need to serve her with love so that she gets cured soon. God these @#@$# doctors. Misdiagnosed malaria to TB and ended up injecting her for what not, that she could not lie on her back. Luckily after a while, i got into the cooking mood. I made manathakalli keerai kootu and kothavaranga usili, murungakka sambar, rasam, sauted mango pickles, moong dal payasam (which is my mom's favorite) and the curd had set like solid cakes. I washed all the serving dishes till it shone and i had arranged an appetising lunch and waited by the window for mom to come home. She came after 40 mins or so and we all sat down to eat on the fresh and tender vazha ezhai. Nothing like eating on those green leaves. Chithi was still in her sambar course, when i was at my curd.

We three collapsed in the hall watching TV. We ended up watching Julie, Ejamaan and one more movie swapping over breaks. Julie dominated though. Suddenly swami came out of no where. I was so surprised. I was supposed to have met dad, met aunty and swami but had ended up spending all time on bed and here he was. I was glad that payasam was there. I made him horlicks, offered payasam, potato chips and good day biscuits. I knew it was a bad combination to offer salty items with milk, but decided, he is supreme, he should be able to digest it. I was glad he was here. He kept on talking saying how i was instrumental in getting him to thiruvanamalai that too for chithra pournami. He asked me to ask him something. I wished, mom and chithi and his wife were not there. I just wanted to pour out to him. But i could not, and ended up with just tears. At last he said, i know and i will take care. I was glad he had come. I was craving for my guru to come and he had come and i realized he is my Sri Sri or Baba Ramdev or Ramana Maharishi. He left around 5:30 pm and my bus was at 6:30 pm. A lonely trip. i felt bad, that i had not spoken to dad even once. I reached majestic and got a one day pass. I reached campus around 7 am. Around 4 pm i decided that i will go to Nimishamba satsang. But ended up boarding a shivaji nagar bus. i ended up window shopping and buying 2 butterfly clips that i had wanted for months. I would have waited for eternity, till i decided to swap buses. I took some bus to jayanagar and from there another bus to campus. I was sad, that i could not have darshan. This was the 2nd time, such a thing had happened. The previous sunday after end terms, i started out and i found the iyappa temple was would open only around 5:30 pm and i could not find a place to sit and wait outside. I ended up walking all outside the campus and reached room exhausted again without darshan.

However, this time, on the last day of navarathri. It was all instantaneous. I had no plans of boarding the bus. However a bus stopped just next to me and i asked the driver and he driver dropped me at Meenakshi temple. It was peaceful inside and i got a decent darshan. Somehow, i feel now, especially after the DD incident, if its time, it will happen. Else it is no use, how much ever u fight against and swim upstream. For that JMET thing, i remember forgetting the DD at home, spending 400+ on auto, coming late to office, filling up app in a hurry. Everything was delayed. Call it hindsight bias. Every thing is interlinked, even if it means someone's murder. It was bound to happen. It will happen, when the time comes. God will make sure, you are the right place at the right time.

The legends of Khazak

I think, I read about TLOK by OVV in India Today or some other obscure magazine some time in college first year around 1999-2000. My hunt for this book started then. No library had this book. I went to bharathidasan univ library, the library next to the bata showroom, REC library, asked mom to try in OFT library and BHEL training centre library. I even tried Higginbotham’s next to teppakulam and devaki second hand book stall (which gobbled up my Rs 100 deposit when I didn’t take a book after I returned one) in the china kadai veedhi which is around the vicinity of those precious stone jewelers. They had not even heard about this book. At last, yes’ day I was forced to go to our library to pick up “TG” by Cox and Goldratt. As usual, I ended up going to the fiction side and was pleasantly surprised to see this book right up in the front (after almost a decade).

I put aside “The Goal” and settled on the bed with TLOK. I have always loved Kerala, WB and Kashmir. Those were my dream places and I used to fantasize that the gals out there were nubile fairies. Somehow both Kerala and WB are now infested with you know what and Kashmir with the obvious. It was “TCO Joy” that brought the stark reality of WB as against the rosy and divine picture I had painted in my mind of it being Swami Vivekanda-Sivananda’s religious abode. I always believed that these were the places where practitioners of kundalini yoga lived and could do anything and everything with their mind power.

Gakrith dragged me to the parlour after classes and I started reading this around 5 pm. I kind of slept of with this book in between, thanks to going outside and was just reading this book sprawled on the bed whenever I woke up. It was different from all that I had read all these days. I am fascinated with ghosts and haunted places as with other spiritual beings. I was wondering, how lucky, I was to have the job I had had. In city there are so many ways of earning one’s livelihood. But in the villages, what hardships people have to put up with to earn their daily bread. It was a Piscean who made me wonder about this. She asked me, if you didn’t have any salaried job, if you had no education, how will you earn your living? For every answer I gave, she added another constraint and asked, how I will still pay for the food I eat. At times, I was wondering, which world is he in? Where will women do the things that he has described? At times, I was struck with this magical surrealism in the way he had weaved the story. About lice having rebirth. God! Lice of all creatures? IIMK teaches students to walk on fire. My first preference was K, but I ended up in B.

I was glad with the way; he had described how Muslims and Hindus lived together peacefully at least to an extent. My zodiac says, I will have thulukiyar friends. In fact my childhood pal is Nazreen with whom, I had climbed up the water tank in 5th standard and was punished so much for that by school teachers and condemned by the principals of 3 schools. My down floor neighbor was again a kind bhai uncle and ever since I remember, we used to buy tomatoes from thakkali bhai, though he sold other veggies as well. I was amused with the rules that K laid and but fine, I though, different people have different perceptions. I was surprised to see my previous roomie who was a dentist spew such venom about Muslims in general, coz she had seen one affluent Muslim class mate of hers sleeping with poor medical students from north east who didn’t have money for their educational expenses.

Back to the book, I was surprised to see such intimacy between teachers and students. The last time, I remember feeling at home with teacher was Sukumaran sir in my 5th standard. He used to correct papers while we sat around him and played. He used to call me OFT or BHEL as we played Kho Kho. He used to be considerate with Nazreen since she had lost her father. Teachers after that were distant in some way or the other. Probably coz after that you were no longer an innocent kid. You got trapped in the scheming ways of the world. The teacher gazing in amazement on the miracle, the first blood flowers of womanhood! Hmmm… well… the novel was like a slow and languorous movie.

I should have finished the novel before 12 am at least. I don’t know when I started sleeping. I woke up around 1:30 am and then started preparing for the next day’s classes till around 3:30 till the current went off. In the morning, I woke up just at 8:30 am. Classes start at 8:30 with faint memories of this strange dream. I was a Muslim woman or probably I was not. I saw those grey minarets in twilight in my dream. I was going through those tunnels in my own house to reach one room to another. I don’t know why, but I think, I saw someone pregnant in my dream. Someone was chasing me, probably police and I was hopping from minaret to minaret till I jumped far below to a 2 storied building that had a small swimming pool inside. I could remember everything faintly, but nothing comes out now. I need to get started with this stupidity, sleep and attend ppts and work out problems and work on resume. God and after all this?